A heart that will never be healed~

Well.. Everything turns out to be like shit in the end. I thought that I will be able to forget everything today and really be happy. I guess I was wrong.. Well, at least I know that you will be jealous when I talk about them. You seems to be so concentrated on looking at your stuffs, so I just walked away so as not to disturb you. I can't always be there to disturb you can I ? And as for what happened in the theatre, I don't know why either. It is just that do you really don't want to listen to me that much ? Or maybe you were just kidding but I took it too seriously ? I don't know.. And thinking about it, my tears just rolled down. That aside, the reason that I didn't want you to send me home is actually because I feel so unimportant to you.. I know I am important to you, but I just feel that way alright ? It is like he wanted to have an impromptu meeting with you and you just changed our original plan for that. And yet when I suddenly say I want to meet you like on Friday, you said you will try after I said nevermind for several times. How do you explain this? And since you are going to change our plans so as to meet him, then why bother sending me home? Just to kill time? When you told me that you are also not meeting him so early, my heart totally broke.. That's the reason why you wanted to send me home? So that you wont have to wonder in cwp aimlessly? Originally, I still wanted to ask you if you wanted to eat dinner together. Thank god I didn't. At least then you would feel like you can't decided. Or am I thinking too much because you wouldn't even struggle to answer? You could just told me that you are eating with him right? Haix. Why am I saying until as though it is your fault? It isn't. It would never be. My healing heart broke again trice today. I really don't know what to do anymore.. Maybe we shouldn't even go out today. At least things won't turn out to be like that. At least I wouldn't need to know the truth.. And do you even know what I hate the most? I don't think you know. So I will tell you now. And I hate to be left alone the most. Whenever I am alone, I will be at a loss of what to do..

I really don't want.. But what can I do ?

Nonetheless, thanks for spending time with me today.

I'm sorry~

And I know I broke yours too. I am sorry. There's really a lot of things that I didn't tell you. I just can't tell you. I don't know why either. Perhaps because everything was my fault. I am really at a loss of what to do. Everyday, I am just replaying the conversation we had on that day in my head. And I regretted telling you that. Cause if I didn't, we might be spending some time together right now. Totally regretted.. But what can I do now? Maybe that's why I don't feel like telling you anything? Just in case I make everything even worse? I had been trying very hard to forget about it. But like I told you, everytime I tried to forget, it became even more clear in my mind. And things were made even worse by your class performance. It wouldn't have been so bad if my class performance wasn't right after yours. Then at least I wouldn't be able to see you so close to me.. This is totally ridiculous but I really.... I really don't want to watch you dancing so happily with her. I know you didn't choose it but still... The feeling is just natural. So to avoid having that feeling, I just don't look at you then. And yesterday during the first rehearsal, I wouldn't have been so high if it wasn't because we were all going crazy at that time. And I know you were standing at the glass door during my class performance. So I just choose to look somewhere else. I don't know why but I really don't want to see you yesterday. It is just that. No special reasons. And I don't know why I just don't want to reply your message when you text me last night. Maybe to see how much you would care? But I guess I still replied because I really miss you. And till now, my heart still hurts. Knowing that I am not as important to you as you are to me. But I am forcing myself to accept it. Since I can't expect you to treat me like how I treat you. And I don't dare to tell you. Because I don't think I can take all those things that you might say to me again. Really wished that you can be with me. At least it shows that I am still important to you. But I guess it will never happen. So I can only hug my teddy everyday. Was hoping that you could be with me today, but since you are busy, then it is okay barh. At least I still got teddy. :') 

Life sucks. Really. There isn't a single day where things would just turn out like how I wish it will. Even by stating something in general that another person also agree, I get laughed at, being judged at, being left alone and not being cared by anyone. I have always tried to please everyone, by agreeing to everything they say, do whatever they want, etc. And I am tired of always doing that. No one appreciate anyway. So i just decided to start behaving like how I want. All I did was to treat people like how they treated me and say what I really want to say on twitter, I got scolded, blamed, misunderstood, laughed, and every single other suckish thing that you can ever think of. Don't say you can understand me. Cause the truth is, no one does. Everyone has at least a best friend that they can rely on. Me lerh ? My cute teddy bear whom I always hug to sleep when I am feeling down ? It can't even talk to me.

And if you are reading this, this is for you. I know you don't like me saying all those stuffs about you. But honestly, think about it yourself. Aren't they true ? Those things aside, how do you feel when I ignore you ? How do you feel when I give you the black face when you want to talk to me ? Do you know that that was how you have treated me for don't know how many times already ? I always bear with it. And i tried to think in your shoes. That's why I always never say anything. But I really can't take it anymore. So i wanted to do the same thing to you and to let you know how I feel. But what is the result ? I was being blamed for treating you like that and not thinking in your shoes. What about you try thinking in my shoes ? What have I been going through the past one and a half year ? You said I am your best friend. Honestly, I believed you. I wanted you to be my best friend too. But I am sorry. You don't understand the meaning of 'best'. 'Best' means the only one. And yet you have so many many other best friends. I don't expect you to not treat them like your best friends, but I am just sorry alright ? I am just a selfish girl who wish to be treated like how I treat others. And since you are my only best friend, I wanted that too. But since I can't control you, the least that I can expect from you is for you to treat me as equally as your other best friends. But from what I am seeing and feeling, pardon me if I am wrong, I am being treated even worse than your friend. I don't want to quarrel with you about this anymore. So well. I just want you to know how I feel.

And this is for the other you. Whatever I tweet isn't about you. But I cant deny that it wasn't inspired by you. You were just so secretive. So it just made me realised that I didn't like people being secretive. And if you don;t want to say, maybe you should have just kept quiet and act like you don't know anything ? Maybe it affect or doesn't affect you since I am a nobody to you, but i really wished that you can think in my shoes. I have always treated you like a good friend, always trying to please you. I tried to sustain a conversation with you, only to be failed by you just making some sounds or just moving your head. I wanted to have a happy conversation with you, just like what everyone have. Do you really hate me that much that you don't even want to talk to me ? If so, please let me know. Friends aren't supposed to have any secrets within us isn't it ? So I supposed you don't treat me like a friend anymore. Sorry that I always bother you. Sorry if I have offended you. I really am. But I really still treat you as a good friend.

I am really tired. Tired of trying to chap into everyone's conversation because no one will want to talk to me. Tired of trying to decide whether to continue pleasing others or to be myself. Tired of trying to please everyone. Tired of facing the emotions that just came to me after what people say about me when I say what I really want to say. Sorry everyone that I am not good enough. Sorry that I can't please all of you all. Sorry that I always interrupt all your conversations. Sorry that I always try to act like I am just like you all so as to be able to fit in. But all I wanted was seriously a life that everyone else have. The kind of life that they can always go find their best friends when they needed help.

WOOHOO !!!!! RUNNING MAN !!!!!! CURRENTLY CRAZY OVER THIS SHOW CAUSE IT IS JUST SO DAMN NICE ! AND IT CAN MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PROBLEMS ! CAUSE I WILL BE BUSY LAUGHING AWAY ! WOOHOOOOOOOOOO ! HAHAHAH ! I AM GOING CRAZY AGAIN ! HEHEHEHE ! WANTED TO WATCH ONE EPISODE TONIGHT BUT ME WANT TO SLEEP ! SO MAYBE TMR AFTER I DO MY HOMEWORK ! ^^

Hmm~ Best friend~ Does such a thingy exist ? What is it then ? If it is best, shouldn't it be just a single person ? Hmm~ Let me tell you a story. There is a girl named Tiffany. She had a best friend named Jenny. Both of them were very close until one day, Jenny had a new best friend. She was no longer always together with Tiffany. Also, even if she was together with Tiffany, all she will say about is her new best friend and her boyfriend of 3 years. Tiffany was very depressed as she had always put Jenny in the first place, and yet she was so easily being replaced in Jenny's heart. In the end, she got depression and committed suicide. How was this short story ? To tell you the truth, it isn't real. I just made it up myself. But things like that could happen in the real life. Anyway, do you know that kind of feeling when you and your best friend's boyfriend are very close, and the three of you have endless things to talk about ? Do you ? You don't ? It is okay. I don't either. :) Cause I don't have a best friend whom I am her best friend too. :) That's what forever alone actually means. :) And I am not gonna be like how I was anymore ! Had a great talk with baby boy today ! And yes, I WILL BE STRONG ! All these will pass soon ! It had already being one and a half year ! Why am I only feeling this now ? Maybe because as time passes, people start to show their true colours ? It is like no matter how hard I try, I can never attract someone's attention for even a split second. When I talk, no one is listening. When I am missing, no one cares. When they all are talking, I don't understand a shit. When I ask them, no one bother to answer me. In short, just forever alone ! No one wants to talk to me. No one needs me anyway. If I don't take the initiative to find them, at most they don't care about me only what. No big deal anyway. Since I can change anyway, I will learn to adapt to it then ! Since I doesn't have anyone who puts me in the first place despite me putting them there~

And I am neither.

HI PEOPLE ! I am back again ! But well, you should know that I normally complain ! So it is the same this time round ! I am just tired of living aright ? All I wanted to do is to disappear to somewhere where there is no one else but me~ Alright ! I admit I hate being alone. In fear, I am scared of being alone. But all these things that happened recently, just proved to me that it is better if I were to be alone. That way, there will be no one to hurt me~ I am tired of all the "friends" that I have. Cause all they do is to treat me like I am invisible. As though I don't exist on this world. Maybe that is because everyone hates me. I am just an ugly bitch with a bitchy attitude that no one likes. And I was complaining to him yesterday. Because I had no other person to talk to. Everyone has their own friends, their own bestfriends whom they can share everything with. What about me ? My teddy bear ? So I told him that. And he was willing to be my listening ear. Which was great. Finally someone who would listen to me complain about everything. But he doesn't allow me to be sad. Cause he wanted me to be happy. But that is a little impossible though. So i just told him I am fine and texted him normally, when in actual fact, I was crying. Sorry for lying to you though... And there is someone who is super paranoid. I didn't even say anything about him, then he complain complain complain. After that, he blamed everything to me. Like hello. Bitch please. Stop saying it is my fucking fault. Can't you reflect on yourself ? And other people say you you are okay with it. And what happens when I indirectly say something about you ? You complain and scold and whatsoever as though I just murdered you~ LOL ? Aiya whatever. No point being upset over such a bastard. That's why it is better to be alone. No one will care about you. Isn't that just so great ?

Hello ! I am back AGAIN ! Are you sure you want to read ? Below are just some crap that I don't think you really want to read anyway. Maybe you shouldn't even be wasting your time here~ But if you insist on reading, go ahead~

Yeah~ Seriously I am starting to think that way. That's why I didn't take as much as I used to~ In fact, I am just ugly. That's why of course I will look ugly in photos~

And of course,

Why would everything be ? Everything is just so wrong. And all I am doing everyday is just trying to laugh, act like nothing happen, so as not to let people who really care worry~ But actually, no one really care I guess~

I really really wish that I can be the old me who was always so cheerful~ What exactly happen to me ? I don't even feel like me anymore~ What I am doing everyday is just trying not to think about anything, so that those suckish feelings will not come back~ I am just trying not to cry everyday. Everytime a teardrop drops, I will wipe it off and remind myself I am not supposed to cry~ But sometimes I just can't control~
And seeing him with his friends make me really very jealous~ They are so bonded and they can do all the craziest things ever~ How great would it be if I have such friends too ? I wanted to be with them, cause only when I am with them, I will forget all my problems because of their craziness~ But at the same time, I feel like I am disturbing them~ Like I feel so extra~ Seeing them playing so happily and yet he is just there, beside me, unable to join them. And that's when I feel very guilty~ Haiz~

I am still very bored ! And I am supposed to be doing homework but don't want to do ! Just slacked a day away again~

Pretty Pictures ! ^^

I was just bored ! So here are pretty pictures of FASHION ! How I wish I can "download" these stuffs !